I recently read Ego Is The Enemy by Ryan Holiday. It’s a great book and definitely something you should check out.

He mentioned a concept known as the “imagined audience” that really stood out to me and subsequently I’ve been reading up on it.

The “imagined audience” is a term that was coined by David Elkind in 1967. The basic premise is that for those who are experiencing this phenomenon they feel like their actions, behaviours and how they look are the main focus of other people’s attention.

Now this style of thinking is a very common part of adolescent development, and it explains why at this stage of life there is a heightened self-consciousness, being easily swayed and confirming to popular ideas and a tendency towards following fads.

Part of the reason that this happens at this stage of life is because this is when someone is developing his or her sense of self. They are growing up and are still in limbo about ideas around values, beliefs, morals, politics, religious views, etc.

And because so much of this is still up for grabs, they can feel as though everyone is watching them to see which direction they go in.

Now in an ideal world people grow out of this stage of life as they end adolescence or enter into adulthood. Sure, you may still care about what others think, but you have a stronger sense of self that also influences your decisions.

Closely related to this concept of “imagined audience” is another idea known as the “personal fable”. This is the idea that because someone is the centre of attention and has this constant audience, that they are also special and unique.

And this uniqueness is in the sense that their thoughts or experiences are completely novel and unique when compared to the thoughts or experiences of others.

So when they are in love, it’s a love that no one else can understand. Or if they are feeling down or depressed, no one knows what it’s like because this intensity isn’t like how it is for everyone else, it’s much more extreme.

The reason that all this stood out to me so much, is this describes many of the clients I deal with who are struggling with disordered eating or an eating disorder. And while the “imagined audience” is something that is normally grown out of in adolescents, these clients are still in the thick of it later in life.

Often this happens because someone never got to that place of truly knowing who they are and where their interests lie. Due to the discomfort of being in this limbo land and feeling lost, restricting food or over exercising could be a way of numbing this or gaining control. Or this could become their identity, as they are the “exercise enthusiast” or the “clean eater”.

I also see this happening where people’s identity becomes tied up in ways that would perpetuate the “imagined audience”.

Perfectionism is a fantastic example of this and nearly every client I see with disordered eating or an eating disorder identifies themself as a perfectionist. And while perfectionism is about someone having excessively high (read: impossible) standards from themselves, one of the other main traits is an overly critical concern regarding other people’s evaluation.

With both these scenarios, the “imagined audience” is playing a huge role in their life. This is especially the case as part of recovery, where they are trying to make changes and can find themselves at a loss for who they really are and what their identity is.

Clients regularly tell me that they are worried about what “everyone” is going to think because they’ve put on weight. That everyone will be talking about it and will be shocked.

And my response to this is always “you’re nowhere near as important as you think you are”. Everyone has their own insecurities and life struggles going on that even if they do notice you’ve put on weight (and nine times out of ten they won’t) within about two minutes they are back to worrying about their own stuff.

This can also play out in lots of ways other than weight. Being worried about saying the wrong thing and how much people will remember this. Or being worried about their performance at work and what everyone thinks about the content they are producing or the effort they are putting in.

So when I’m dealing with moving people past the “imagined audience” it isn’t just about getting people to realise that no one cares as much as they think they do about everything they are doing…

It’s also about getting that person to develop their own sense of identity and convictions in who they are. Finding out what they like, how they want to spend their time, what are their hobbies, etc. Because when this happens, the “imagined audience” starts to fade because you are less impacted on by the opinion of others.

The other part is getting people to see that their “personal fable” isn’t exactly true. Yes it is painful, yes it sucks, but this pain that they are going through is common to the human experience.

I was listening to an interview with Liz Gilbert where she described the “narcissism of depression”. Now this isn’t to belittle depression but instead to demonstrate that a common component of it is a feeling like you are going through something way worse then anyone else. That your pain eclipses that of others and that is why you are in this state.

And I often see that the same thing happens with the clients I work with. To them, their struggles are so much more than everyone else’s and this can leave them feeling completely isolated.

In these scenarios I’m empathetic with these clients and validate the pain that they are feeling but I also remind them that they are not alone and that lots of people have feelings like they experience. I’d just like to help them develop tools to deal with this that are much more constructive and supportive then what they are currently doing with food and exercise.

Tools that can actually deal with the root cause of what’s going on, rather than numbing or masking or running from the problem, where it never feels like it is getting better.

On the whole, people care very little about your life and your weight. And for those who genuinely do care about you, they couldn’t care less about this trivial stuff. Instead they love you unconditionally and just want you to be happy.

And hope that you can feel this unconditional love for yourself too.

Getting Help On Your Recovery Journey

I’m a leading expert and advocate for full recovery. I’ve been working with clients for over 15 years and understand what needs to happen to recover.

I truly believe that you can reach a place where the eating disorder is a thing of the past and I want to help you get there. If you want to fully recover and drastically increase the quality of your life, I’d love to help.

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